About Us
by MP119
Summary: Hermione didn't mind sharing a dorm with Lavender. Until Lavender began snogging Ron at every possible moment. Oneshot.


**Author's Note: **While re-reading HBP for like the 7478587th time, I started to think about how much it would suck to be Hermione and share a dorm with Lavender. Seriously. Imagine yourself sharing a room with the girlfriend of the boy you're in love with. There can't be many things worse than that. Anyway, just wanted to dive into Hermione's psyche and see what she _really_ thinks. Also thanks to Norma for her help.

* * *

She had shared a dormitory with them for six years.

Six years of listening to them whine, complain, and gossip. Six years of watching them experiment with makeup and hairstyles instead of doing homework. Six years of avoiding their incessant questions of what it was like to be best friends with two boys. Six years of pretending to be deaf whenever they started discussing the anatomies of all the males in Hogwarts.

She had handled it pretty well, all things considered. She'd been polite to them, had even contributed to a few conversations. After all, they weren't _too_ bad. They were just normal teenage girls, something she was sure she had never been.

But like everything else, things had changed this year.

Hermione had not been the only one to notice that Ron had grown more handsome over the summer. The minute the girls had gone to their dorm after the feast on the first night, Lavender had exclaimed, "Ron has gotten so cute! And did you see how tall he is?"

Hermione had resolutely kept her mouth shut as she changed into her pajamas. Parvati had just shrugged and said, "I guess. Seamus looks like he filled out some over the holidays though."

Hermione had been determined to ignore this. After all, it wasn't like she _owned_ Ron. Lavender was free to ogle him if she wished.

The situation got more complicated once Lavender was snogging Ron whenever the opportunity presented itself. Hermione didn't think of herself as a particularly violent person but she had to restrain herself from scratching Lavender's eyes out whenever she began describing her trysts.

It was bad enough that Hermione was forced to witness them snogging each other to death whenever she walked into a room. Did she really have to listen to Lavender's detailed descriptions too?

Hermione was often forced to perform a Silencing Charm around her bed whenever Lavender got too detailed. She could anticipate when such a time was coming because Lavender would throw herself on Parvati's bed and look positively delighted.

But sometimes, it would come completely unannounced.

"Seamus was a pretty sloppy kisser," Lavender announced one night while she brushed her long hair.

"Well, I wouldn't mind finding out for myself," Parvati giggled as she began plaiting her hair.

"Luckily, Ron is pretty decent. I mean, he's not spectacular yet but I suspect I'm the first girl he's ever kissed. His technique's improved loads. At first it was like he was trying to inhale my face. But he can do some fantastic stuff now," Lavender said.

"Really?" Parvati asked interestedly.

Neither girl noticed Hermione turn pink in the face.

"Yeah," Lavender said as she pulled on her nightgown. "He does this thing where he nibbles on my bottom lip and then licks it. Merlin, it's amazing."

Parvati seemed to be picturing this to herself. Hermione was busy trying to do the opposite.

"He has pretty big hands," Parvati observed. "Does he know what to do with them?"

At this, Lavender got a devilish look in her eye. "At first he didn't have the slightest clue. But I taught him a few things. He doesn't look it but he's a quick learner."

Hermione silently glared at Lavender. How dare she insinuate that Ron was stupid? Lavender was taking Divination, for Merlin's sake!

Lavender was oblivious to the murderous thoughts Hermione was shooting at her. "It was sweet, actually, how little he knew. At first he would just grab whatever was handy. And not gently, I might add. But I explained to him that girls are delicate. Breasts are not Quaffles to grab at violently and neither are bums."

Hermione looked longingly at her wand. One hex and Lavender could be in all sorts of interesting predicaments. _I am a prefect, I am a prefect, I am a prefect. _

Parvati giggled as she put on her own nightclothes. "He does look a little like he'd be fumbling around a lot." She paused as a new thought occurred to her. "He's really tall. You know what they say about tall guys…"

"Parvati!" Lavender squealed. "It's way too soon for me to know _that_. What do you think I am, some sort of hussy?"

Parvati arched one eyebrow.

"Don't answer that!" Lavender warned.

Parvati laughed again. "OK, I won't."

Hermione got into her bed and rolled over with her back to the two girls. She almost grabbed her wand but withdrew her hand tentatively. Hexing Lavender wouldn't help matters. Well, it would, but it wouldn't be the most constructive solution.

There was only one way she knew of to keep her temper under control: by reciting chapter titles to _Hogwarts, A History._

"When we were dancing at Slughorn's Christmas party, I felt _it_ against my thigh."

_Chapter 1: Before Beauxbatons_

"And was he…?" Parvati asked.

"Well, his dancing wasn't the only thing that was stiff!"

Both girls howled with laughter.

_Chapter 2: The Founders_

"Poor Ron," Parvati breathed, wiping the tears of laughter from her face.

"Yes, I did feel bad for the bloke. I almost wanted to put him out of his misery. But I want to wait a while at least. Maybe on his birthday…"Lavender let her voice trail off as she pulled the blankets up to her chin.

_Chapter 3: The Scotland Grounds_

The titles were not working. Neither were the deep breaths Hermione was currently taking. She quickly got out of her bed and headed to the bathroom to splash water on her burning face. When she returned to the room, both girls were still laughing madly. They looked up when she entered.

"Hermione!" Parvati exclaimed, finally noticing her. "I didn't realize you were still awake."

Hermione smiled tightly at her before getting back into her bed.

Lavender propped herself up on one elbow, a keen look in her eye. "We were just discussing Ron," she stated matter-of-factly.

Hermione bit back the sarcastic retort that was on the tip of her tongue and determinedly plumped up her pillows.

"You're his best friend. Has he mentioned anything to you about me?"

She thought it would be wise not to mention the fact that Ron was acting like a complete arse-hole around her lately. "No."

Lavender pouted for a moment but suddenly brightened. "You know, you guys were always rowing all the time. I thought you might've fancied him or something…"

Hermione gritted her teeth. "Things change."

Parvati nodded wisely. "Didn't you go to Slughorn's party with McLaggen?"

Hermione tried not to wince as she remembered that lapse in judgment. "Yes."

"He's really good-looking. Muscular and all that," Parvati said.

"He's alright if you like that sort," Hermione said absently as she thought of Ron's leaner frame.

"Yeah, he's too bulky for my taste," Lavender agreed. "I like Ron's body much better. He's lean but he still has some muscles here and there. He has the most amazing shoulders too. Pav, you know I have a thing for shoulders. Ron really likes it when I kiss him there too…"

It took all of Hermione's willpower not to hex Lavender into a thousand pieces. She could feel the anger surging throughout her body. The last time she'd been this angry, she'd attacked Ron with birds. It had been immensely satisfying until she saw Ron walk into breakfast with heavily bandaged hands. That's when the guilt had set in.

It would be best to try and get some sleep. After all, tomorrow would be a new day.

Hermione was awoken by piercing screams the next morning. She groggily opened her eyes to see Lavender standing by the mirror, holding a chunk of her own hair in her hand and screaming at the top of her lungs. Parvati was hovering nearby looking concerned. "How did that happen?"

Lavender's response was a great deal of sputtering.

Hermione surreptitiously got out of bed and entered the bathroom. She was certain she was the reason that Lavender was currently holding a large portion of her hair in her hand. After all, wizards had a way of making strange things happen whenever their emotions got out of control. She would just have to find a better way to control her temper.

When she saw Lavender go down to breakfast with her hat pulled down very low, Hermione ought to have felt guilty. And she did, honestly.

But sometimes, revenge was sweet.

-**fin**


End file.
